I have gone 62 months without a tuneup. My equipment has worked just fine. But the manufacturer says the equipment should be changed every 60 months. That's 5 years for those of you too lazy to do the math calculation. So, last night I went to the gyne to swap out parts. That's right, time for the ripcord pull and re-insertion, otherwise known as an IUD change.
For those of you who have never had the pleasure of this experience, let me start by saying that it sucks giant balls. The IUD is the best worst invention ever. Most likely invented by a man sitting in a corner laughing his ass off at yet another way that women are tortured by having the child bearing equipment. I have not fact-checked this assertion but if I think it, it must be true.
The appointment started by me sitting in an exam room with my bottom covered in only a sheet for about 20 minutes before the doctor came in. I swear she did this just to build up the negative anticipation of the event that was about to occur. I was already nervous from remembering how much the procedure hurt 5 years ago, but she wanted to make sure that I was not just a bit nervous, but totally amped on nerve juice, before beginning the procedure.
My gyne visits are always made worse by the fact that my cervix thinks that playing hide and seek with the doctor is fun. You see, my cervix hides behind my pelvic bone, which makes it almost impossible to get to. My regular gyne, who is the hottest, funniest doctor I have ever had (but I digress) once said "I think I found it." This inspires great confidence...not.
But last night I did not see my regular gyne, who is used to my cervix's antics. I saw a different doctor, and I tried to warn her. I said "My cervix likes to play hide and seek." She laughed and said, "I am smarter than your cervix." Then she had me lay down on the regular exam table, where she also discovered that I have a smaller than average Hoo Ha that does not graciously accommodate a regular size speculum. She took one look up there and said, "Well, this is going to be a pain in the neck."
I was then asked to make 2 fists and jam them under my buttocks to get some lift on the situation. This did not help, and I swear I could hear my cervix laughing. After several minutes of trying to find my cervix with no luck, she decided to move me to another room where they have an adjustable table. She said "Why didn't you warn me?" to which I replied, laughing, "I tried."
So, I donned 2 lovely dressing gowns (one to cover the front of the Hoo Ha and one to cover the booty) and trooped down the hall to a chair that unfortunately I am all too familiar with because of my cervix. She set up the chair for some incline therapy while looking for the ripcord again. While Sarah Bareilles crooned that she needs to see me be brave over the radio speaker, there I was, ass way up in the air (again with the 2 fists jammed under my buttocks) enduring the discomfort while the doctor dug around for the ripcord on the old device. After what seemed like forever, and X-Sport type endurance on the part of my vagina, she found the cord and out came the expired device.
Then it was time for the new equipment to be put in. I was told, "You'll feel 2 little pinches." You're a fine doctor, and I mean no disrespect, but "Pinch this, Bitch" was running through my head. In went the little bugger, while the rest of my body went all jello like from the stress of it all.
I was sent on my way with a "Have a good night", killer cramping, and an appointment to be fingered in 6 weeks to make sure that the device is still snug as a bug in a rug.
So, how was your Thursday night?
